Waluigi Vs the Cake Clencher
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: Breaking the law and breaking the wah


"Roll the spiffy camera!" called Waluigi as he adjusted his chef hat. The lanky purple hotshot was on the air and ready to get cooking.

"Welcome to the show, folks," said Waluigi as he grabbed his ingredients and stuffed them into a bowl. "Today we're making some chocolatey doughnuts!" Waluigi stirred up his concoction and tossed into a blazing oven. When he slammed the lid shut and set the timer.

"Oh no!" cried Waluigi as he realised the horrible mistake he had just made. His saucy cheeses were in the way and accidentally got shut in the oven. Waluigi mourned as he thought of the scorching pain that his rear would have to endure now.

"Waluigi, what shall we do?" asked the Lakitu cameraman.

"We cannot do a thing, young one," Waluigi said tearfully, mustache drooping in anguish.

And so Waluigi spent the rest of his life with his bootycakes trapped in the oven, flaring up to maximum temps due to fiery danger. Two years went by agonisingly slow. Waluigi wept day and night hoping for a cure, but no one could find a single remedy. Not even Dr. Mario was of any help.

Wario looked down upon his gorgeous brother's wholesome tuchus that had been ensnared by absolute chaos. "My bro, you gotta get better so we can go on the fishing trip."

"I can't, Wario. My tushtush has been burdened with a higher authority," replied Waluigi. He was right, no one would argue with an oven.

There was a knock on the door and Wario went over to answer it. Mario and Luigi were there with their fishing rods. Wario grabbed his and the three left for good times.

Waluigi wept as he thought about the fun his life was exempt from. He wanted so dearly to regain his perfect life.

Then the phone rang. "Hello?" Waluigi answered with sniffling sobs.

"Waluigi, it is I, Rosalina," said the person on the other line.

"My beautiful princess of the stars!" said Waluigi with the most romantic voice that you wish YOUR man had, but he doesn't.

"Waluigi, I am breaking up with you because you lack a proper hindquarter," said Rosalina. "It's as if you want to spend more time with ovens than with me! I feel you do not truly love me!"

Waluigi cried into the phone so hard that the tears hit Rosalina in the face. She hung up on him and cried into her collection of star babies.

Wario returned at 11. He caught some wicked tuna and stuffed it in the fridge for safekeeping. Waluigi was in his chair with a bonsai tree. He had been studying the ancient eastern arts of balance in order to calm his weary soul.

"Bro, are you faring well?" asked Wario kindly.

"Aye, I am not…" wahed Waluigi. "I feel like my life is cursed by the harmful force."

Wario pulled a monkey wrench out of his back pocket and smashed the oven with it. "I can't bear to see you in such turmoil, brother!" he cried as he continued to slam with raging fury that smelt of garlic cloves.

Waluigi screamed as Wario beat the oven to death. "Stop! The blood vessels in my peak-perfection achoos have fused to the oven's gears and wires. If you slay the mechanism, you shall also slay me!"

Wario burst into tears and hugged Waluigi dearly. "But you aren't even my brother anymore! You've been transformed into a hideous beast!"

All of a sudden, the police Toads showed up at the door. They ran in with guns and rocket launchers and surrounded the two brothers. "Intergalactic scum, you're reign of terror ends now…" roared the team leader.

"What have I done?" asked Waluigi.

"You are under arrest for having your glutes wedged in the teeth of a holy device. It is illegal all throughout the galaxy to participate in such heinous activity.

And so Waluigi was imprisoned for his butt.

Two days later, Rosalina stopped by with a cake. She slid it under the cell door. "Waluigi, eat of this pastry," she said with heartbroken feelings.

Waluigi swallowed the entire cake in one bite. He then noticed that his own cakes grew bigger when he ingested the tasty treat. Now Waluigi's Squeak Squad was the size of Dracula's castle.

"What have you done?" cried Waluigi as he stared at his amazing display of rumpage.

The oven then cracked open and Waluigi's batoot was finally set free. He cheered for the success and pulled his taco stand into a loving embrace. "Oh, bummy, now that we're finally reunited, nothing will ever separate us again!"

Rosalina told the police that Waluigi was healed and was therefore no longer breaking the law. Waluigi was released from prison and he and Rosalina went on a date to the local lobster café.

"How would you like your lobster served, sir?" asked the waiter Koopa with a snobby tone.

Waluigi smiled at Rosalina and turned to the waiter while tipping his hat slyly. "I'd like it with all the butter you have in this fine establishment. That is because my fine establishment has never been finer."

 **"END"**


End file.
